Recursions, Change Cycles, Shifting Paradigms, Opening up into New
I was introduced to the idea of “recursions” in 2015. Another name for it is “change cycle” according to my business coach friend. What a recursion feels like for me is being in a big mostly calm ocean, floating along with the ocean as far as you can see. Feeling the currents and tides, responding to these subtle changes and feeling in the flow. Then a wave begins to form. You can feel the pulls begin, the intensity build, the pressure and sense of apprehension, maybe even excitement as the wave catches you and you are rocked up and about and down into a new part of the ocean. This new part of the ocean is at once familiar to you and also new, a new territory that can feel both void of structure and also completely full and familiar. The new territory often feels so completely right you cannot remember ever having it be any different and all the chaos of moving with the wave into this new territory seems simple and absolutely inherent to you.
I was in a massive recursion in 2015 that was indicated by my first panic attacks and constant anxiety starting in January of that year. It was the first time my body was giving me messages that were very negative. What I was hearing is that something was really wrong, I was likely dying. It was very disconcerting to get these messages from what I considered a trusted Temple, so it took me awhile to realize these were not true messages, or at least not literal ones. Being a chiropractor and Functional medicine practitioner, I first delved into physiology, figuring it was all physical and I just had to find the hormones and other things out of balance. This led me to develop the Fuel Sources for Optimal Vitality (see below for link)
As I worked on this my wise-beyond-her-years sister questioned if my anxiety and constant panic could also be emotional and based in my external life. While I was in disbelief that this could be true, I went to the therapist she recommended and there Wendy Davis showed me that what I was experiencing was anxiety and helped me identify tools and ways to change my daily life to help me. I realized by 2016 that I was “healing the leaky vessel of myself” and that I was indeed very leaky. Having three kids within five years, running a family business that at that point having no real control of, being married, building a home, and generally keeping myself sorted was beyond my ability to “do” and maintain balance.
Then in the fall of 2015, I met Tantra Maat, who introduced the idea of “recursion” to me. Tantra at that time was in her late 60s. I would have not sought someone like her out, a mystic/psychic/seer, but she literally ended up in my office and over explaining her blood work results to her she started talking and explaining what I had been tracking in people’s bodies in my chiropractic and craniosacral practice that I had no structure or language to understand. So at that point I “glommed” onto her and we began learning together and co-creating. I needed to understand and master what she so casually stated, “awakening is a biological experience.”
“Recursions” have their basis in Realities of Unity where everything has a place, everything operates on behalf of everything else, everything is a part of everything else and everything is always moving to the next greater whole. It is that bopping along in the ocean of life when a wave comes and grabs you and you are birthed into something new. Once Tantra explained this concept I grabbed hold to it immediately and began my own investigations. I knew how to birth. I had birthed 3 babies at home naturally. I knew the initial pangs, the pressures that build, the extreme effort, the surrender required. The dance of give and take and grace. But in a birth I was used to having these hormones help me, guide me. In 2015, I felt depleted and alone, isolating myself due to my anxiety, feeling everything as a potential threat. Holding it all in to be “strong.” Being victim to historical thinking that being vulnerable was bad, being transparent was impossible and way too scary. These are now my hallmarks of healing.
As I slowly began to unpeel the layers of myself through my functional medicine training, homeopathy, therapy and really with Tantra’s help, I realized that I needed all of these fields. We humans are complex creatures and my access point of body alone would not do it. Likewise, therapy alone would not answer it either. To help me through these huge recursions I needed to reach out for help, to be vulnerable and transparent, to meet all parts of me, body, spirit, mind, emotions. I realized that the cellular armouring of myself done probably pre-verbally but fortified with that first panic attack was actually trapping me in and I could not move beyond. So I begin to surrender to the wave, the recursion, to have faith it would birth me into my next level of wholeness. I began with giving my anxiety “just a small stool” in the living room, not the whole couch as Wendy advised. I learned to listen to what that constant “buzz” was saying, that I was loved and all was going to be well. And I kept plugging away at my physical health with supplements, body work, professional trainings and more.
And it worked.
Incorporating all of this, (read my Thyroid Blog), I have developed skills and experience with these recursions. As I feel a new one coming on my natural inclination is to push the river, thinking “let’s get through this as quickly as possible and see what is on the other side.” But I have learned to better work with Time. Time has its own way with recursions, there is only so much pushing we can do as the Time and frequencies of my Self, Creation, the collective, the soup I am swimming in and more all work together to dictate how and when I move into my new territories of Self. It is about being more in my Being, not my Doing nature. My doing nature can only “do” so much. I can pay attention, observe, open the energetic door, stand at the door and keep on knocking, track synchronicities, take quiet time, have deep talks and connections with like-minded friends…. I have had to be transparent with my husband and family and ask for the time and space I need to do this enwholement work. I take a few hours a week away from the family now to just be, to go into Timeless Time or do my calls with Tantra or study. Sometimes I need more time than others, it depends where I am in the change cycle. Recursions are a dance and I am becoming more skilled at when to do a solo, when to take a back seat roll, when to mix into the chorus and when to get in the spotlight even when I may be terrified. And then vroom! I emerge from the birth canal myself and come into a new territory of my own being a little more. Sometimes this new territory is not yet populated and it feels empty and void. A little disconcerting. Then I go to work to occupy it. Meaning I pull in threads, manifest, embody, pay attention, reach out for help, journal, read old journals, listen to talks, and more. Sometimes the new territory is just lucious and full and it feels like magic that everything I had been hoping for, dreaming, paying attention to in the etheric all dropped in and everything is there in perfect placement. Paradise.
Where are you in your current change cycle? Are you in the birthing canal feeling the pressure increasing and having fear dominate you and trap you? Are you feeling the first quickenings and feel the excitement for what is to come? Are you newly landed in having your dreams manifest? Do you feel like all you can do is be, bobbing around in the ocean of life as you just live and wonder where you are headed?
I hope and pray that we can all develop these skills for healing into our highest Selves. We are being called to embody, to be, to act, to connect. It is fun to develop skill and web in with each other to support each other in our own growth on behalf of all life. I am sorry if you are suffering in the pangs of your own birthing. I know it well enough and I know it will come again in my life. But I know too that what my mom always taught me is true, that GOD works everything for good. With enough space, time, perspective we can see that Goodness reigns and know we are part of it.
All my Love.
Heather
https://heatherhuntdc.com/blog/fuel-sources-for-optimal-vitality-checklist